Truth is…

About my Master’s Degree, and this godforsaken town:

I will forever regret this choice, and I think I’d be better off accepting the fact at this point, rather than trying to change it, and saying that it is not so bad, after all. IT IS so bad, and I do have every right to be in pain. Again, my pain is legitimate. The fact that there are so many people on this Earth who have it way worse than I do, DOES NOT give me any less right to be in pain.

I will forever regret wasting almost three years of my life in a personal kind of Hell that could have been avoided so, so, SO FUCKING easily, had I had the guts to spell out those four goddamn words: “I need more time”.

I will forever regret being so unhappy and lonely in my mid-20s, those years when you’re still so young you’re just supposed to enjoy live, have fun, travel and see the world. I’ll regret going back to being 14-year-old me, so shy and afraid to speak her mind, scared of her own shadow. 14-year-old me, who let people use her and throw her away when she wasn’t needed anymore.

I will forever miss all that I have lost in these few years, all the people that somehow fell out of my life; even those I would have sworn would have been forever by my side, always.

I just hope at some point I will stop being so mad at myself and my family: at myself, for not picking me before anybody else when I should have, because my future and my happiness were on the line; at my family, for subtly pushing me to make this choice when I was so weak and fragile, and could not build up the courage to say no.

One positive thing will come out of all this mess: I swear to myself I will never again, ever, prioritize anything before my happiness. Ever. I just hope I did not completely fuck up my chances at a future career because of this ridiculous University choice.

How the Hell did I get it so wrong, I’ll never know. How could I throw to the wind everything that I’ve built during my Bachelor’s degree, I’ll never understand.

I’m so sorry, Me. You didn’t deserve this. Hopefully, we’ll get a second chance. I promise you, this time we’ll get it right.


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